Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts
by Nerd.Is.A.Compliment
Summary: Things you are not allowed to do at Hogwarts. Most people have seen some of theses before.


_**Things I am Not Allowed to Do at Hogwarts**_

I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".

No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".

"I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".

If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".

I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".

I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".

I will not call the Defense Against Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.

I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

I am not a sloth Animagus.

I am not a tribble Animagus.

I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or pirahna.

I do not weight the same as a duck.

Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

I will not lick Trevor.

I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.

Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.

I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

I cannot Hadoken anything into oblivion.

Nor can I cast Ice 9 or Ultima.

I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.

It is wrong to refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".

Professor Flitwick's first name in not Yoda.

I will not refer to the hippogryph as "Horseybird".

I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.

I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.

It was not an honest mistake.

I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard.

It is generally accepted that Cats and Dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.

Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.

Professor Snape _does not_ enjoy being called "Snookums".

Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June.

I will stop referring to Hufflepuffs as "cannon fodder."

I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.

I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"

My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."

Neville is not my valet.

When given a directive by my house prefect, I should not insist that "we don't need no stinking badges."

First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.

House ghosts do not regularly "slime" anyone.

Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.

I will not suggest that Professor Trelawney is "talking out of her arse."

I will not tell the Muggleborn first-years that the Forbidden Forest's real name is Mirkwood.

When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.

-Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.

I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.

I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".

I will no longer wear a hood, walk up to Harry, and claim to be his real father.

Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".

A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.

Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy."

Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.

I will not send Professor Snape toothpaste and Shampoo for Christmas.

I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.

I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

I will not refer to Professor McGonagall as Catwoman, no matter how funny she would look in tight leather.

-Nor will I ask her if she is Catwoman in disguise.

I am to stop asking Professor Snape to Yule Ball.

I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.

Calling Professor Flitwick "Willow" and asking him about Madmartigan is not an appropriate question for classtime.

Humming/singing/referring in any way to Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf" around Professor Lupin is inappropriate. It's best not to bring up "Thriller", either.

Portable Swamps are not funny.

Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy, he does not need to be told... again.

Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.

A time turner is not a flux capacitor, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars.

"To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

-No, not even though you are a witch.

No part of the school uniform is edible.

-Not allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible.

Not allowed to prophesy the end of the world more than once.

If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

The Giant Squid is not to be referred to as 'my lord Cthulhu', nor am I allowed to sacrifice first years to it on the new moon.

I will not attempt to set up a mobile phone mast on the Astronomy Tower.

- Likewise the satellite dish.

I will stop sending Professor Snape forged love notes that appear to be from Professor Lupin.

Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as 'Galadriel'.

Lucius Malfoy also does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as 'Haldir'.

Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under _no_ circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.

I will stop substituting Professor Lupin's Wolfsbane with Polyjuice Potion containing hairs from Mrs. Norris.

I am not to sing 'We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!' when sent to the Headmaster's office'.

- I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.

-Especially not with kazoos.

I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order 'to see what happens'.

Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.

The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable".

I am not allowed to scare the first-years by screaming "I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeeeeeltiiing!" while they are in the showers.

I am not allowed to say "Bless you" every time someone mentions Quidditch.

Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house is forbidden.

The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife.

When called upon in class, I shall not insist that the correct answer to everything is '42'.

Asking Professor Snape if a house ever fell on his sister is wrong.

-So is asking him where he keeps his flying monkeys and if I could touch them.

I cannot be a Heffalump animagus.

I cannot insist that a dead parrot is my familiar - even if he is nailed to his perch and pinin' for the fjords.

Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles.

Robes are not optional.

There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man".

-Even if I do conjure him up.

Do not... I repeat _do not_ sing "Baby Got Back" when Firenze walks by.

Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting piñata from the Whomping Willow.

The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.

-Especially in reference to Professor Umbridge.

I will not write "Wizzard" on my hat in sequins.

I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"

I will not attempt to graft a transplant from the Whomping Willow onto the Hogwarts Christmas Tree in Herbology class.

Bringing fortune cookies to Diviniation class does not count for extra credit.

I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Lupin's office door.

I cannot get credit in Ancient Runes for knowing BASIC, no matter how long it's been in use.

I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps.

I do not get any flying monkeys when I graduate.  
Every time I see a dementor, I will not go, "Ssssssssshire...Bagginsssss".

- or "The Shire/Frodo is That Way!"

- Every time I see Dobby I will not say something about 'master' or 'Precioussssss'.

- Every time I see Dumbledore, I will not say, "You will not pass!"

The boggart's first name is not Humphrey.

I will _not_ replace any ingredient in the potions classroom with new Folger's crystals.

"Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo" is not a transfiguration spell.

I will not add 'according to the prophecy' at the end of my sentences to raise my Divination grade.

"Oo ee, oo ah ah, ting tang, walla walla bing bang" is not an actual spell.

Not allowed to dress exactly like Snape and ask him to call me "mini me."

There is no Interpretive Dance course offered at Hogwarts, and I should stop signing up for it every year.

Not allowed to introduce myself to the first years as "Tim the Enchanter."

I will not taunt Professor Flitwick by singing "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins".

Gryffindor's sword is not to be used to patrol the hallways.

Snape does not want bleach, laundry detergent, or new underwear for his birthday or Christmas.

-No combination of these is acceptable.

I will stop sending Professor Sprout love notes signed "N.L".

I will not try to make a new basilisk for the Chamber of Secrets.

Professor Lupin is not addicted to chocolate and I will stop implying that he is.

Murmuring "I see dead people… " every time I see one of the ghosts is stupid and was never funny.

Making a slinky go from the top of the astronomy tower to the ground level is not an appropriate pastime

- especially while singing "everyone loves a slinky".

- especially while singing "everyone loves a slinky" until the slinky hits the bottom.

- especially while singing "everyone loves a slinky" until the slinky hits the bottom and starting the whole process over again whenever the slinky gets stuck.

- apparently, not everyone loves a slinky.

Yelling "to infinity, and BEYOND!" was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.

I am no longer allowed to sing my "own personal spy music" when I wander around the hallways.

I should not remark that "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" when Snape gets angry. Ever.

If I become an animagus, I am not allowed to yell "MORPHIN' TIME!" every time I change.

- I cannot do this whenever anyone else changes either.

Yes, the Great Hall is extremely large, but Quidditch is an outside sport.

Adding "-us" to the end of a word does not make it a spell.

-Neither does adding "izzle".

Shout "beam me up Scotty" before disapparating.

I will not dress up in a Dementor suit and use a Dustbuster on Harry's lips to get him to do what I want.


End file.
